RE-her

She left on a rainy day as they always do
Feeling sad feeling blue heading for the wind
Blown here on a wild whisper, now she’s broken
Don’t forget when you look out at this world
That it is a world she once was in

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She-Ran

And she’s waiting for something to happen, but the something doesn’t come quick enough for her angst against the world and confusion about her place.
because maybe she doesn’t belong here at all and maybe she doesn’t belong there either but does it really matter as long as she goes on.
So she reloads her mind and refreshes life page hoping for something that will never come but at least at least she gave it a good run.

Lola

Her name is Lola. We meet in a Feminist Literature class at the University of Texas. I knew right from the start that she was a force to be reckoned with by her fiery presentation over her section of the book we were reading. That fierceness – that belief that she is 100% in the right – is what makes her the strong and powerful woman I once loved.

I was a blossoming lesbian looking for an outlet and figured there was no better way to meet girls then talking about Science Fiction Feminism books in a class at what is the most liberal and celebrated university in Texas, aka the University of Texas in Austin. I was wrong though in that the formatting of the class made it not only entry level but also in the same group as one of the required credits for all English and liberal art students. This meant that instead of being full of a bunch of raging lesbians, like I hoped, the class was full of a bunch of transfer Jocks who, like me, hadn’t gotten the first pick of the classes due to their newbie status at the University. Words cannot express my disappointment, but alas I’m fated to be a writer, by choice or otherwise, I haven’t decided, I’ll try. I was pissed. Livid and inflamed in my hatred of men that were even polluting what was supposed to be my safe space to rage against them.

And then there was Lola. All five-foot five-inches in a tank top and jean shorts hair pulled into a bun and raging against The Man and arguing anyone down who disagreed on her take on her passage. I found her intense and said so in the required anonymous review of her presentation. I was terrified of her so I didn’t make an effort to connect with her that semester, plus due to a large number of Jocks in the class, we never ended up sitting next to each other which would have presented a natural chance for introductions.

I did run into her though during finals week. I was heading back to my apartment in West Campus and she was heading for the bus back to her South Austin apartment that she shared with her sister. I didn’t know that at the time but pieces do have a way of coming together. But we were like, hey you’re in Dr. Becca’s class! You seem really cool! We should hang out! We never did but we did add each other on Facebook and I kept up with her life from a distance. What I remember most about that interaction with her though was there was this moment where our eye locked and I knew in my heart that I would be seeing her again, that she would return to my life in some way or fashion, that this was not the end of our relationship.

Three years later she walked into Moon Summer, which was at the time my favorite coffee shop haunt for writing and working remotely as a per-story journalist. For a split second, I couldn’t decide if I should call out to her. That split second would decide the rest of my summer and the rest of the next two years – because, of course, I called out. And she remembered me, which is always a wonderful feeling, an equal high to the opposite down of being forgotten. She came and sat by me and did her school work while I wrote and we caught up. We had so much in common, music, books, depression. That was the start of meeting up and hanging out at Moon Summer for the next month and messaging non-stop. Eventually, I hosted a party and invited her; she came and hung out and met my boyfriend at the time, Toby. Later, she told me that she thought he had bad hair and that I could do better. It was an adorable declaration that I couldn’t help but think about when I broke up with Toby a month later. Soon we were having girls nights and planning a vampire book that we were going to write together; her as a History Major and me as an English Major. It would be a great success and best of all we would actually do it.

She broke up with her boyfriend that she’d been dating off and on since high school; they broke up right before she went on an end of the semester university trip to Europe. Her decision was to get right back on the dating horse and date and hook up with as many and all the men she wanted; no shame all game; but – BUT – looking for love.

She fell in love with a man in Germany. I remember when she met him she messaged me that she’d met this amazingly hot and sexy German man who was going to pay for a hotel to hang out with her for two nights in Munich. His name is Joseph and she bought two beautiful LBDs for the time with him. They made love of course and she tells me he is the best that she’s ever had, she starts talking about moving to Germany and dating him seriously, he starts talking about coming to visit her in Texas. We’re not 100% clear on what he does. It sounds like he works for the German Air Force in some capacity and does a lot of traveling. The mystic of his job sounds amazing. But before all of this, before she left for Germany at a party I hosted for her going away, right before breaking up with Toby, she gave me a bris-a-bris before leaving, which is the French way of greeting and parting and I remember thinking: she told me she was bi when we first met. I didn’t tell her that I also considered myself bi because most girls who say they are bi aren’t really they’re just in it to sound hot to men. Nevertheless, because she said that I had hoped. And as we exchanged cheek kisses and hugged, her large chest pressing into my flat one, I remember knowing that I was falling in love with her and now that she was single, maybe there was a chance. Yes, I was still with Toby, and realizing these feeling for her played a part in splitting from him because it wasn’t fair to him the amount of time and energy I spent pouring into my relationship with this beautiful woman.

I kept hoping that she would hook up with some women in Europe during her fling time to reassure me that she was actually into girls and not just messing around with the term bi because of the concept of a threesome that all men hear when a woman says she’s bi. Because bi sounds super hot to all men. It just does, to them it symbolizes possibilities for endless kinky shenanigans, and nothing to do with the fact that the woman might not actually want to date them but date women instead, because most the time, when a woman tells a man, or tells anyone, that she’s bi it’s just a way of getting attention, of being hip, of having something else about them that men, who will stick it in anything that moves anyways, will find attractive. I really hoped that wasn’t the case with Lola.

I was okay with the Joseph thing and in fact excited for her. Good for her to get out there and already be able to find someone else that she was in love with so soon after breaking up with her boyfriend. Gosh, I wish I could be that way. I hadn’t dated anyone since breaking with Toby, and, let’s be real though, was really just investing all of my emotional and relational time and energy into her. And now she was in love with a German man. A super hot Air Force German Man no less, which is basically the complete opposite of me. I knew though that I would have home team advantage and was still just waiting to see if she would actually look into dating women when she got back.

She never did.

When asked about it she would shrug it off as women are too hard to find and the lesbian community is impossible to break into. That given, yes it is, but it’s not impossible especially if you’re serious about dating other women.

I did the smart thing and hid my feelings from her. Though she must have known. She would let me kiss her and snuggle with her without ever letting on that she knew that I was in love with her. We would tell each other that we loved each other whenever we parted ways. She would hold my hand and snuggle with me right before going on a date with yet another man because when she got back to Austin she started dating men left and right while still trying to maintain a relationship with Joseph who was making it impossibly hard by his lack of communications. The man would go weeks without texting her and then would hit her up and send her into a tailspin. Of course, they weren’t boyfriend and girlfriend as that would be beyond silly and basically impossible over the distance that they were apart, but they enjoyed an on and off again sexting relationship. She was still very smitten with him and the more time that passed the more enamored she became and the less real he seemed. We began to make up stories that he was a German Spy and that was why he would go weeks without texting her. She and I began to make plans to move to Germany once our lease, she had moved in with me during the summer, was up in October.

She’d started looking up jobs in Germany and we started telling people that we were moving together to Germany at the end of October. And then Joseph officially broke things off with her and she met Rocky.

When she broke off our Germany plans I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do. I knew that I didn’t want to stay in Austin as I had always said that I wouldn’t stay there long after graduating from University. It had been over six months since I graduated in the winter of 2016 and it was time to move on. I figured with the end of my lease coming up now was as good as a time as there ever would be to move on. I began researching places and telling Lola, and hoping that she would, she could and should come with me. She wasn’t interested.

Lola has a type, and it’s definitely not girls, she loves military men who are ripped like Dean Winchester from Supernatural. Dean from Supernatural is an actual representation of what her type is and because she’s beyond gorgeous she has no problem getting this type and in fact, this type seems to be drawn to her like country boys to trucks.

Rocky was a military reserve man training to be a Texas Ranger she met on Tinder. For the weekend he was coming to town to see her she was featuring one of her pictures from Europe in an art exhibit put on by her friend Ann. At the time she’d just moved in with me and rather then bring her own bed was sleeping on a cot, this made sense since I was planning on moving somewhere at the end of the lease and we wouldn’t be living together long enough for her to justify bringing her bed along, except she likes having sex on beds. The morning when she found out Rocky was coming she asked me if she could have sex in my bed. I was so shocked I said sure not even thinking. Of course, I would like her to have sex in my bed, but with me not with a dude. I went to the coffee shop to work in a state of agitation. I talked to my friends there and they agreed that it was outlandish for her to ask something like that and it would be okay, rather it would be good for our relationship, if I told her that I changed my mind and that her using my bed for sex made me uncomfortable, because it did, and well does. When I got home that night I waited for her to come back from her date with some other guy she’d met on Tinder. I told her we needed to talk. I proceeded to cry and squeak out that it was just too much for her to ask that. She apologized and said she hadn’t realized how uncomfortable it made me. I offered to sell her the bed if she wanted it because I was going to sell it soon anyways before I moved to God knows where Portland. She said it was fine and she would just figure something out and she promised they wouldn’t have sex on my bed. I was relieved but also disturbed that she had asked.

When Rocky came he was well Rocky. A huge ass man with chest tattoos that Ann and I still laugh about because not only were they lame, but they were crooked. Rocky in Lola’s eyes couldn’t be hotter. She was complete in her takenness with him and they made a stunning pair. The two of them trying to outdo the other in impressing each other and proving that they were a worthy mate to the other. I came home from the coffee shop, after giving them the privacy to fuck, not on my bed. Rocky immediately told me that they’d had sex on my bed. I paled and then he just laughed and said that he was just kidding. Lola had to reassure me that they hadn’t had sex on my bed, Don’t worry we didn’t, he’s kidding with you, take a joke. Oh Okay.

We went to the art show and that was the first time I met Ann. She said she’d heard a lot about me from Lola and was glad to finally meet me. I agreed and we exchanged a hug. I hid my backpack under the table before going out to mingle with the other artist. Lola had driven Rock and me to the show and on the drive up he asked if I wanted to touch his abs. I wasn’t sure I wanted to, but at the same time why the hell not. I just felt them through his shirt and it was like six solid giant stones in a river; terrifying. There were some nerdier guys, aka more my speed and type, at the show and they were super cool and I had a fun time talking with them, but it made Lola annoyed that all the men weren’t paying attention to her and her terrifying man whore. Okay, that’s not nice but to put it mildly, I was jealous and hated Rocky right from the get-go.

Ann was hosting a party after the show but I didn’t want to go, I’d had enough of Rocky and the whole scene and asked them to drop me back off at the apartment. Lola of course agreed, plus she wanted to freshen her look for the party.

Rocky didn’t get why I didn’t want to go to the party; I kept explaining that I was going to go to the coffee shop to hang out with my fellow introvert friends. At one point I just flopped down on my bed and said nope I’m tired. Lola didn’t care either way if I came, she knew that I wasn’t a huge partier. As I was lying on the bed Rocky grabbed my ankle and pulled me off the bed and on to the floor and began dragging me out of the room. He wouldn’t of stopped except for Lola laughing and telling him to put me down. I was glad to spend the evening with my coffee friends talking about anime and whatever other nerdy things we were into at the time, probably games.

I slept with earplugs that night and apparently when they got back from the party they fucked three times in the living room before falling asleep in each other’s arms. When asked about it, Lola said she hadn’t had better sex since Joseph. That was good. I could appreciate Rocky for helping her get over the German Spy.

Rocky lived up in Armadillo, excuse me, Amarillo Texas. Lola began making plans to move up there to be with him. And then one day not long after that she came bursting into the Moon Summer in a tizzy. He’s married. WHAT? Wait, what? He’s married. She stalked him on facebook and he’s married. When she asked him about it he said yes he was but that he was in an open marriage. She then left and ran three miles to the outskirts of downtown before calling me and asking me to come pick her up. I did.

After Rocky, I decided to come out to her. She was perplexed by my lack of interest in dating, but she didn’t seem to mind the lack of competition and the time it left me to learn all her stable by heart, almost better than her sometimes as I would remind her of points about a particular date often. I came out to her in a rain of tears showing her that I’d downloaded a lesbian dating app and was messaging a few women, that of course never went anywhere because my heart for the time was Lola’s. She seemed cool with it but surprised. And didn’t bother mentioning about being bi-sexual as a term of relating because of course by this point it was clear she was not interested in dating men.

After that she began introducing me as the friend she wished had a penis, because wouldn’t we be the perfect couple? She asked me if I could imagine how great it would be for her to find someone like me but male. I said I couldn’t imagine finding someone else like her in a mate. She laughed at my depressing logic. Then kissed me goodbye and went on a date with a guy off Tinder.

Loved-Her

the anger is real feel it don’t let it go until it’s felt fully and then it will evaporate into the air the anger of losing you to a man because you lied and never intended to give tacos a chance breathe soft but deep and let you go before I go home into your arms the arms meant for another this is a bad idea i know but i can’t stop circling your world can’t stop wondering about you and entrapped by you I once was no longer this is probably a bad idea in the going back they say don’t go back but what they fuck do they know and who are they the voices in my head obviously picked up from songs and cues of social nature of social nature of social nature and i broke the record gave the love away and evaporated my heart done i’m done.

Phat-Bride

let’s rephrase it and give it new meaning
they call it fat – I call it feeding
you say yellow – I say banana
don’t try to trick me
I’m not your purple panda

and he told me that i’m crazy
and he put me on the drugs
and i flushed them down the trash
and smashed his face along too
i don’t want to think like you
sorry you don’t like my mind
but this little mind of mine
i’m going to let it shine

they lock you up if you’re skinny
they laugh you out if you’re not
there’s no winning in this world
but at least don’t let them take your thoughts

so I flushed them down the trash
i don’t want them to control it
going to lie in bed and thrash
going to think these thoughts and know
this little mind of mine of mine
gonna let it shine shine shine

gemuk-tapi-cantik_20170928_084621
Pretty Women

 

Yellow Glasses

Don’t be negative. Don’t wallow. Don’t be a stinker. Don’t be a pooper. Just turn that frown upside down! Think of all the fun you’ll get up to, all the adventures. All the friends you have and will make. You’re so great. Everyone, and I mean everyone, wants to hang out with you. Don’t complain. You’re looking at it wrong. Make the change to see things sunny. Here! You need a hand? Put on these yellow glasses.

There.

All better.

Toby.

Last night I saw you in my dreams a boy from yesterday now with me. I didn’t see your face at first just your golden skin and your hands your hands ready to make love make me sing set me on fire and accept my fire my passion my bawling tears from you that come when I come when I come when you ask me too when you push me and pull and tickle until it comes it all comes out those tears – that’s what your hands spoke of your skin your skin shinning from an inner sun radiating outward in the night of the moon sun reflection reflecting on thought you were gone for good that there was no one left thought I would never see you again and I’m crying and your telling me to stop but not in the stop stop kind of way but in the comforting holding kind of way the so close can’t see your face kind of way right away and then your just there and I know I will be and we will be forever for the rest of the time we have in the short time I won’t have to say goodbye again that we’ll go together and I don’t ever want you to go away again not for anything and I won’t ever go I won’t ever be alone and kicking myself and wondering why why it went went away the road calling my name a sin a curse the road not now not again it doesn’t matter shh shh shh it’s over but it’s not but the not being not being in your arms is over awaken in the night dry salt water and eyes that sting. Last night, I saw you in a dream.

https://open.spotify.com/embed/user/2157ntjtci64afjj2z72kfcoa/playlist/68yIDDFOkepALbQ8je85LV

Men-Funny-Creatures

Men are such funny creatures and no I don’t mean men like mankind… I mean men like men like the being of Mankind specifically designated by the protrusion of their reproductive organs that include a little sack of skin that houses their supply of genetic send offs which the said sack is protruding from the body in order to keep it from over heating in the way that banana’s are left out of the refrigerator in order to keep them from turning brown but the opposite in terms of temperature, nevertheless it is not this fact about men that makes them funny creatures, however it cannot be said to not, not make them funny creatures and does in its own right add to their funniness.

It’s not possible, you’re the only one seeing it, that’s how it’s real to you because it’s not possible.

Amanda was, or is rather, a real Asexual. She gets it. The funniness and oddity that is Man. When the teacher read to us “The Phantom Tollbooth” with the kid who is only half a kid character, well at the end of the book when the teacher, Mrs. Randal, asked us to draw our favorite Character Amanda drew the half-kid and drew him as a half kid missing his legs, not the half down the middle like the kid in the book – Mrs. Randal’s hadn’t been showing us the pictures so that we were forced to imagine the characters on our own, so at the end of the book when she asked us to draw our favorite character – as we imagined them, Amanda decided to draw and thus produce the image of a boy missing his legs and mystically floating about, in the missing of his legs he was also naturally missing in other things – that of his reproductive organs; this was – is ­- an early sign of something Amanda was born into – the asexuality showing her colors. Amanda didn’t think the kid was funny; in fact to this day she’ll vouch that her drawing is a more accurate representation of the half kid from the book.

she’s wild honey

i miss you and i want you as i’m lying here longing for you/ she didn’t inspire this in me/ he didn’t leave a trace to remember/ there are ones who came before and you will come after / but come for me now/ i miss you and i want you/ and it’s burning me bad/ don’t leave me here waiting/ wondering where you are/ i don’t care i don’t care/ just as long as you let me/ come to you because you want me to/ i miss you and i want you/ and if you don’t say so now/ because the thoughts won’t stop/ and your lips are on mine