Yuno Thinking

Heaven is a place on earth with Yuki, and being god is only worthwhile to bring him back. 

It wasn’t supposed to end this way. The first time. MurMur didn’t tell me. No one did. Getting rid of people is the easy part. He always wondered why I am so good at killing with ease. Because killing is easy. It’s keeping him alive that’s the hard part.
I lied to him. But it’s a white lie. To keep him close. He wants his parents back. I understand that. I want him back.



Dexter S3:E9 – There’s Always a Bigger Monster… erm fish – a Rambling

Miguel!” Nine holes tomorrow? “You bet.”

It’s not Freebo’s blood. It’s not even human. It’s bovine. Cow’s blood. He’s been using me the whole time. I didn’t create a monster; I was used by one. He used me. 

Today I keep up the pretense. But soon, maybe tomorrow, Miguel will know exactly how I feel. Because finally there’s an emotion I don’t have to fake. 
Today, I feel something real.

That is the moment that it becomes clear the Miguel is bigger than Dexter in more ways than height. He’s a bigger fake and therefore a bigger monster.

Dexter repeatedly takes pride in his ability to hide who he really is, a serial killer, from everyone in his life. His first warning sign should have been Miguel being able to see through his disguise, but because he is longing for the connection of someone who knows his secret, as he had with Harry and the Ice Pick Killer/his Brother, he is vulnerable to letting another into his reality. His world of killing controlled and dictated by a code.

The scene quoted above is the one where Dexter realizes that Miguel has been screwing him over from the very beginning. There is never a moment in their relationship when Miguel is being honest with him. Their entire friendship is built on lies; or at least, to be clear, the lies of Miguel.

Example, right from the start Miguel decides not to trust Dexter while lulling Dexter into a false sense of trusting him. Giving Dexter the shirt with bovine blood and claiming it as his own blood and evidence that he was there when Dexter killed Freebo shows that he is willing from the beginning to use false evidence aka lies to manipulate Dexter into feeling he can trust him.

Yes, Dexter has feelings. He just doesn’t understand them. This is another whole essay, but Dexter, like the rest of humanity, is motivated by the feelings in himself caused and attributed to his upbringing, disposition, and situation. Dexter, like the rest of us, is a product of his environment. Remove him from the environment and you get a different, aka a NOT, Dexter.

On that note, Miguel creates an environment of friendship with Dexter. Dexter blames himself for falling for a friendship and then thinking that it is only because he doesn’t really know what friendship is that this happens to him. That’s not true though, it is because he knows what friendship is innately – don’t we all? – that he falls for Miguel’s deception.

Deception, it could be argued, is the root of all ‘evil.’ If what Dexter is is truly evil in the sense that he is harmful to others and humanity. Miguel on the other hand, in his deception of the deceiver, Dexter, proves to be the bigger monster. The biggest tipping point of all is he has deceived himself or seems to have. It is because of his double cross deceits that Dexter is able to catch him in his own game. Once Dexter knows the rules of the game of his friendship with Miguel is a lying game, he proves to be the more efficient lier, but not the bigger monster.

Dexter, unlike Miguel, holds to a code. He can’t kill people who get in his way, even though he’d like to. He does make the exception for the child molester, but really, it can be argued that child molesting is equal to murder, and in that sense the child molester meets his code since he is intending to do it again, and is doing it again, by violating none other than Rita’s daughter, and Dexter’s, Astor.

Miguel, on the other hand, lives not by a code but by a drive. His drive is to be the best. At everything. Whether it’s the best attorney who always wins, the best husband who has the best wife (who on occasion needs his guidance as to how to be the best wife), the Best Man in Dexter’s wedding, the best secret keeper, the most vulnerable (giving Dexter the, albeit fake, bloodstained shirt), the best killer… but that’s where he gets out of his league.

Dexter gains the upper hand because of inspite of Harry’s warning that he reveals too much, he actually keeps the crucial fact of killing Miguel’s brother away from him, and it is because of that that their friendship is able to form in the first place. Therefore, in his own way, Dexter also builds his friendship with Miguel off lies, or at least not the whole truth. Again though, even his marriage is built on the sure foundation of Rita not sharing the whole truth with him (about her first husband that makes him her third and not her second).

Ultimately, Dexter’s whole life and world are built on hiding the full truth. His code is his only solid truth. The rest is flexible. If Miguel had a code and not just a drive flexing to his whims, he would still be alive, and Dexter and he would still be friends. There’s a price to knowing the truth. And rules that must be followed to keep that truth safe. Or so it would seem.

Steven Universe: Garnet: the Epitome of Two-is-Better-Than-One

An old PBS show from the early 00s is DragonTails. In the intro-song, it says, “There’s Zak and Wheezie and the tales of fun/Cause you know two heads are better than one.” A good reminder to kids not to be loners and to work at their relationships because when it comes to life and facing problems…

And then there’s Garnet. The ultimate “fusion.” She is two and one to the extreme of two becoming one. One mind, one body. Individually, she is made up of two beautiful and different parts. The perfection of her fusion is also clear in the form that they take. Ruby and Sapphire so completely become Garnet that they share a nearly normal humanoid body form. The share arms, legs, mouth, and only add a combo of their eyes, and this is because it is through the eyes that they channel their greatest strength: the ability to see possibilities for the future.

What’s so great about this moment as a first-time viewer is the realization that it explains why Garnet is so beyond thrilled when Steven and Connie fuse. It also makes the advice for what fusions are and how to handle fusions 100 percent authoritative since she is actually two become one to the point of the two being the one all the time (though I do wonder if they ever separate in her room and talk).

Garnet’s advice on fusing: Stevonnie… Listen to me. You are not two people, and you are not one person. You…are an experience! Make sure you’re a good experience. Now go… have… fun!


Sympathy for the Dexter: Brotherhood

Some tv shows are really deep and disturbing and have seasons that leave you needing a break from the show to process and anticipate what will be coming next. At least that’s the way I felt after finishing Dexter season one. Such being the case, I thought I might take a break and watch something else. But I couldn’t and then I had to.*

It’s really disturbing when Dexter kills his brother hours after finding out he’s his brother, and that he is like him – a serial killer – and in that sense understands him. Brian knows the urges Dexter feels and acts on to kill, he only really differs from Dexter in that he doesn’t have the code of Harry. Even though Harry lied to Dexter and Deb about Dexter’s childhood, to the extent of even hiding his blood [pun] brother from him, Dexter still ultimately chooses his un-real/adopted family over his blood brother. He chooses the life of a faker versus the real life and connection he could have, and could have had if Harry had told him, with his brother Brian.

It is deeply disturbing to think that certain incidents can cause the same gene, or trigger sub-consciously, the need to kill in two boys, and that even with a change of environment and being raised under different standards they ultimately turn out the same in that they are both killers hiding in the plain site of society.

Then season two starts. What is bothering about the end of season one is Dexter’s seeming cold reaction to killing his brother. Yes, he has a panic moment in the corner, but he goes through with it and holds together his outside life. He even starts bowling and manages to restrain his urges. Then it becomes clear that he’s been effected on a deep psychological level, he can’t kill anymore. It’s shocking, he goes through the process that makes up the very core of who he is, who he was raised to be; a calculated killer taking out the trash; following the code of Harry. But he can’t. Something in him has changed.

He can kill hundreds, but the moment he finds the chink in Harry’s armor, the moment he realizes his life is a complete lie, that he has a whole brother and was the victim of a killer himself, that he can’t just go on living the way he was living before. In this moment, in Dexter not being able to kill after making the ultimate kill, Dexter shows that he is in fact affected by the world around him. By those he should care about naturally, his brother, his sister, and his father.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m halfway through S2:E2 and have some more watching to do. After all, sleep and peace of mind are highly overrated.


*(of course it should be noted that being a child of the Netflix and On Demand tv I’ve never really experienced the wait between episodes and only on a few the wait between seasons… OITNB, HoC, Scandal).

From Netflix to Hulu, 3 Observations

Being broke isn’t all bad. It makes you contemplate the really important things in life. Like whether to subscribe to Netflix or Hulu.

Netflix generally takes the cake as the classic standby. After all, from word on the street, most people don’t even pay for their own account but mooch off, or at least split the cost with others. However, if you’re a serial killer like Dexter, or just anti-social af and don’t have family ties to speak of, booting the bill comes down to you. And usually, considering each person only has one set of eyes and can only watch one thing at a time, it makes sense to choose between either Netflix or Hulu and save the extra 12 bucks for sadder days.

At least this is my rationale. So recently – after finishing OITNB, Girl Boss, HoC, and JTV – I decided to switch over to Hulu. I’m not sure exactly where the idea sprung from. Mostly I found myself missing the little stuff, like the Regular Show. But there are other benefits and drawbacks to Hulu.

1. The Cartoons are Better

I love the cartoon options on Hulu. Albeit, there’s no bo-jack horseman, but there is the Regular Show, Steven Universe, Adventure Time, Rick and Morty, and a LOT of Adult Swim shows. Plus, they have a better selection of Anime than Netflix, which is huge for me. Every once in awhile you just need some Prince of Tennis.

2. Hulu offers really cool, after live, television

I haven’t watched SNL in ages. Except for the few clips that will appear in my feed and that I actually click on. Hulu, however, offers SNL the day after AND it organizes it for you. I watched the Thursday Night Weekend Update Friday night. I also watched Jimmy Fallon. Man, I must say, I’d forgotten how much I love late night comedy sketches.

3. Extra Money out the Wazoo

So I’ve been watching Dexter. I knew that it was on Hulu so I didn’t think switching over would be a huge thing. Well turns out that Dexter is apart of the Showtime add-on Hulu features. Of course not watching Dexter is NOT an option. So I doled out an extra $8 to watch my current obsession. Totally worth it btw because $8 is still cheaper than the cost of both Netflix and Hulu.

I splurged for the extra non-commercial version of Hulu because Netflix has spoiled me. I swung the extra cost by stopping my Youtube Red subscription. Now I’m still paying about $20 a month for shows, but I have commercials on YouTube again and some short commercials with Dexter – showtime makes you watch a 30-second Showtime ad before all their shows on Hulu. The rest are all included on Hulu and I enjoy SNL and the Regular show ad-free.

There’s also an extra charge if you want HBO shows, including GoT. So far I’ve only seen one GoT and it was great and it was awesome and it was enough (the one where she successfully rides the dragons and sicks this dude’s own dogs on him).

Je Suis trés content.

Dexter: Thoughts on Aloneness S1:E5

A best friend of mine recently recommended the show Dexter to me. Like me, she shares a morbid sense of entertainment choices, we’re also both huge fans of My Favorite Murder Podcast, which if you don’t listen add it to your queue right now. Okay? Back to Dexter.

Dexter is extremely funny to me. I find myself laughing my face off when he thanks the couple for their love and dating advice before killing them – to the chagrin of my roommate who couldn’t hear what was happening and only saw the gore and me laughing. It’s dark, but it’s fascinating and funny in the way it presents an inside look at a lawfully evil serial killer.

Episode 5 of Season 1 really hit on something that is often over looked, and even in the episode itself is kind of overlooked and played up as normal. That is the idea that being alone is not normal and something that is rightfully shunned by society. Here’s what the show says about being alone and the need to be with another, especially in a romantic way.

Dexter: I’m not the monster he wants me to be. I’m Dexter. I like to pretend I’m alone, completely alone, maybe post-apocalypse or plague, whatever — no one left to act normal for, no need to hide who I really am. It would be freeing.

Dexter: Yeah, well, I don’t really care about girls. I just like being alone.
Harry: But most normal people don’t, and it’s important that you seem normal.
Dexter: Even though I’m not.
Harry: Because you’re not.

It frightening especially to those of us who are comfortable being alone, or not dating, or not in a relationship. The idea flits of the wondering if people who like being alone serial killers and not normal. Statistically speaking, single people are the minority, and of them people who like being single even less.

There’s even the ever persistent and classic fear of the man walking alone down the street. And the pity of the single woman walking alone and that she must need help. Dexter doesn’t cover the female side of aloneness, at least not as directly as the male side though perhaps there’s another posting about that to come. But Dexter is the epitome of the reason society cast such a negative light on the man alone. Because he could literally be a psycho killer in the privacy of his time alone. And of course Dexter is.

The laws of Harry dictate that being alone is not normal, and it is not in spite of but because of Dexter not being normal, liking being alone, that he has to fake emotions and happiness in being with another. That he has to work to have a relationship solely because he needs to blend in as a serial killer.

Dexter of course completely subscribes to the dictates of Harry and therefore makes it a part of his mission to not be alone. He has trouble with relationships though when the woman he is with realizes he doesn’t have another level – but with training, he is learning even to fake that. In a way, he decides to buy in, because of Harry, the social norm of not being alone, of not being single and always seeking out relationships.

While not every single person is a serial killer, and not everyone who likes being alone is an empty mental void lacking emotions, people who choose to be alone are certainly looked on an odd with the potential to be dangerous by society.

Girl Boss: Lesson’s of a Nasty Gal

The whole show equates to this:

‘Everyone, your best friend, your dad, your mom, your boyfriend, can and will screw you over. The only one who will look at for you and your dreams is yourself.’

Af first glance, that is just straight up depressing as fuck. Basically, all you have to count on is yourself and when you die, it’s going to all alone with no one there but yourself. No one walks you over the bridge to success in life and no one does with the rainbow bridge either.
 On the other-hand, that statement is full of hope and power. Sure you can’t count on anyone else, but you yourself is not an anyone. You are a boss babe who can create an empire, make your own image to sell, make best friends – who you can’t count on as much as yourself – and pay your own bills. If you’re lucky and smart, you’ll use the money you make to support other self-empowered women like yourself (enter Annie and Kaavi, which by the way Kaavi is a badass awesome name and totally saving it for my daughter… or cat).
Sophia decides though that relying only on herself doesn’t mean giving up on friends, cutting people out, and being a basic garbage person. When she sees her mom act out against the performing company she’s apart of when she doesn’t get the part, that is a turning moment when Sophia realizes that she is her mothers daughter, in that she knows she is ultimately all alone, but that knowing this doesn’t mean being an asshole and doing it all alone.
She begins to mend fences because just because she doesn’t need anyone or anything at all, she also knows that she doesn’t want to end up an alone meanie like her mother. She goes back and does her best to mend fences, and realizes that she really does need – in the sense of moral support – her best friend Annie and really does want her to be on the Nasty Gal team. She apologizes for being selfish. Because being self-sufficient is not equal to being selfish and being an asshole.
On the other side of the selfish not selfish spectrum, she deals with her cheating boyfriend Shane. When she calls him on his bull shit it is not to be a meanie to screw him over, it is the exact opposite. She is standing up for herself and making him do the same, being alone with others is about being as open and honest with them as you are with yourself. She realized she couldn’t take it and couldn’t forgive him in the sense of getting to stay together. But she does stand up for herself and owns that he might be okay with living in the lie, but she is not. It comes back to her taking care of herself, and her relationship, by looking out for herself.
She forgives him in the sense that she decides not to let him rain on her own parade and success. She takes away his power, because ultimately he doesn’t have it, only she alone has that power. The letting go is shown when she says that she wishes him the best, that he doesn’t do it to the next girl. Some might equate this to forgiveness, but it’s not. Forgiveness implies giving him a clean slate and pretending nothing happened, basically what he gave himself by not telling her. She gives him a clean slate, but not in a way that muddies her success and happiness. She lets him go. For herself.

Friends From College: Musing on Marriage

Sam: Well, maybe Rich married the wrong person the first time around.

Lisa: Mm.
Sam: It happens. I’m Jon’s second wife remember?
Lisa: I do, yeah.
Sam: Look life is short. You gotta go for what you want or you’re gonna end up regretting it. Even if it means that you hurt some people.
Lisa: Um, so you’re saying that I should be happy for Rich because he went for it when he cheated on his wife?
Sam: Rich is 40, and God bless him, now he can spend the second half of his life with a chick he’s crazy about instead of someone he grew apart from.
Lisa: It makes sense that you’d take Rich’s side.
Sam: I’m not taking sides. I’m just saying it’s not always black and white.
Lisa: Are you seriously giving me a fucking lecture right now?
Sam: It felt like you just gave me one.

If the above scene doesn’t chill you. Well good for you. The whole show grapples with the meaning of marriage in a way that gets right to the heart of it and the question of what its value and meaning are.

Neither woman is thinking clearly, while Sam says it isn’t black and white, what she really means is she doesn’t want it to be. She’s looking for approval from the wife of the man she is cheating with. Showing she is not okay with her actions. Her desperate need to get approval from Lisa shows that she needs approval to come from outside of herself, because she herself cannot justify what she is doing knowing that it is hurting other people, specifically Lisa.

Sam contradicts herself when she says life is short. It might be short, but not short enough to spend with the wrong person and just get it over with. She blesses Rich for getting to spend the rest of his life, after 40, with a hot girl who excites him instead of his first wife who he no longer feels connected too. It raises the question though of whether or not she ever felt connected to her husband since she has been cheating on him the whole time. Which again circles around the ultimate question of the whole show. What is the meaning of marriage and does it even matter.

The only words of hers that ring true are when she says how maybe Rich married the wrong person the first time around. She needs to believe that she and Ethan married wrong and that this is what makes their affair okay, because their marriages are the real mistake, not the affair. Netflix doesn’t give the full back story, but Ethan and Sam have grown more and more together, not apart over the years, while Sam has grown more and more apart from her Husband and Ethan from Lisa, though Lisa still holds to her ideal. In other words, Sam and Ethan should have married each other as they’ve been having sex together since college before either of them were married.

Sam further shows her need for approval from others when she refuses to be open about the affair. She’s in denial about the state of her marriage and her feelings for Ethan. She can’t acknowledge that it’s wrong, but she can’t hold onto believing it to be right, so she hides it and seeks confirmation from Lisa that everything is okay. Lisa doesn’t give her that satisfaction. She does however “solve” Sam and Ethan’s problem in another way. Lisa has an affair of her own. Because she is also in denial about the state of her marriage and while she knows something is wrong, she refuses to look outside of herself and goes so far as to create a problem to explain why she and Ethan are not connecting.

Lisa is right in her anger as it aligns with her truth that marriage is a sacred thing, an agreement between two people to be monogamous and stay true to each other. She is also right in her feeling of something going on between Sam and Ethan. However, she is clinging so hard to her belief in marriage, and in Ethan’s loyalty, that she blames the feeling of disconnect with Ethan on herself. On her own stressors like her ‘failure’ to conceive a baby and her horrible sexually harassing work environment. She hooks up with Nick as a release, doing exactly what she believes will only hurt other people. She misses the point though that it hurts playboy Nick who earlier claims that the whole point of marriage is to make sleeping with other people more fun. Her target is her husband, and because he’s having an affair he doesn’t even care and is actually relieved that Lisa cheated on him. This only serves to confirm Lisa’s feeling of disconnect from Ethan and the feeling that something is wrong, although she doesn’t know or refuses to know what.


Jane the Virgin Chapter 1: Pilot

Last night I watched s1 e1 of Jane the Virgin while wearing a borrowed pro-abortion t-shirt.

My friend kept assuring me that the show gets less cheesy, that this was just the first episode and then things start to pick up.

But I LOVE the cheesiness of the first episode. The tension and the honesty about female relationships are all there and so real.

For example, I love the line when Jane confronts her mother about whether or not she would have kept her if not for her grandmother making her. He mother answers truthfully, “I’m glad I had you.” Jane, “That’s not what I asked.” “I know.”

This beautiful little interaction shows the tension between mother/daughter on multiple levels especially when it becomes known that Alba actually wanted Xiomara to abort Jane.

That’s all well and good, but the main thing I love about this first episode is it shows that pregnancy is not related to sex and vice versa.

You don’t have to have sex to get pregnant.

And in the same thread: Sex is not about getting pregnant.

This is such a relief for women. It means that waiting until marriage is fine if that’s what you want to do. But you don’t have to be doing it because you want to be married before you have kids.

It also means that there’s nothing wrong with enjoying sex as an activity and not as a way to procreate.

In other words, it’s fine to enjoy sex as a woman (I know, I know and as a man… but seems like everyone is fine with letting men enjoy it already), and to not just lie back and think of the Queen or the King or Jesus or whatever and that it’s just about making babies.

Nope. You can make babies without sex.

Sex is something else.

It’s something we do for fun with another. Not unlike playing a card game, except for all the added benefits of physical stimulation.