There’s a castle out there/ somewhere/ where I met my dreams/ the floors are floating/ never the same/ and the people maligning/ but beautiful/ with smiles that lead on/ and words that make mistakes/ people from my past/ people I’m yet to see/ all floating there together/ in different spaces/ all in one/ castle/ where I meet my dreams


Life is hard and I feel like quitting most of the time. If adulting was hard before it’s impossible now. Descending into the madness of my mind. Of not being in my body. But existing in it somehow still.


I’ve turned negative/ something inside me has gone cold/ I’m being broken/ slow, slow fast/ a crushing that makes me lie down and cry/ rest the laurels I thought I had/ on a mat of stone/




Jesse: Lol maddy you’ve been high since you moved to Portland.

I’ve needed to be. No one tells you what it’s like because no one you meet knows what it’s like to move to a new town on a whim not knowing a soul there and having never been there before. I mean I could tell you if you met me along the way in making this or any life decision and our paths cross – but in general, at least in my case, there wasn’t anyone around who had ever done it or even heard of anyone doing it to ask. That’s fine. That’s how I met Mary Jane when I moved her and I’ve been one her and with her 24/7 since. She’s the best friend I have here.

We meet at summermoon on the day of the womens protest and I was protesting by wearing a dress and being as girly as I could be while not going to the march because marches in texas- or really just marches in general – don’t appeal to me. Tumtum hum de hum yes I’m a snob and have been accused of being a hipster to boot. Yes. I have a beanie collection got a problem with that? huh? Huh? Do ya?


He was hitting on me – that’s ultimately how we meet – like any good male and female relationship it inevitably begins with one hitting on another – or maybe he wasn’t hitting on me – Jesse I’ve never asked … were you hitting on me? – okay I don’t really care but still… I’m pretty darn tootin sure he was hitting on me… after all he asked for my number gave me his and texted to come hang out that night. Woooooo all the Christian mom’s are quaking in their boots now… what did the good little girl do? Ignore him. That’s what I did. I didn’t feel like hanging out that night as is normal for someone with my condition I just wanted to be alone.

I’ll let you figure out what the condition is… under one condition… hahahaaa…. Don’t judge me harsher than you’d judge yourself. 😉

My room now is a purble milk color with purple accents on the areas that didn’t get milked. Like a purple cow milk of course. I mean obviously.

I miss my old life sometimes. Moving has been nothing but one big harassment literally unfortunate as that is. It really shows that there’s nothing like a change of scenery to make you realize just what a Butt life is. I want to say “sometimes” but no. Life is a Butt. I like butts but Jeeeezzzzzzzuuuussssss.

Morty is life. I’ll let you figure out the rest.




Jen***** 8.24.17 Thursday
– ideal situation in 1, 3, 5 years.
– variety of food and body positive on Pinterest and Insta
-What was most traumatic part of being w/ Br*****? -seems like really rough sex – especially since he was your first – would be traumatic…
She noted down about how even at a young age I didn’t want to have kids or get married.
“The pressure to not waste your 20s coming from outside yourself really women feel pressure if they are wanting to have kids to figure it out before 30… but since that is not something you want – not a factor or cap for you.”
I’m free
She talked bout the societal conveyor belt – starting even in elementary – you have to do this and want this – all the way through college then get a job then marry and then have kids.. people find themselves married and with kids and don’t ecen think to look for somewhere else –
Aug 25, 2017 Fri. 15:26 SM Jen******
– I told her about liking the idea of snow-birding – she said growing up in Florida she is well familiar with the concept – how I miss hiking but just too hot and miserable – and sun – that’s right you’re a vampire.
-how it just sounds nice to go on a hike everyday in nice weather – like nana in OR – take pictures , listen to podcasts, and write – thinking about extending lease and then moving to Denver for next summer~
-go back and forth between Austin and somewhere in the north each summer
-She talked about how there is all this pressure and ideas about what you’re supposed to do with your life/20s… how if you do this and this and this – marriage, travel, kids – you’ll be happy – people just do those things… she said that it sounded like I had a pretty good idea of an ideal plan for the next five years – that it’s something can keep working on
“I mean what else are you going to do?”
“I don’t know. Live manically – spend lots of money and party. but that doesn’t uncomfortable to me.”
“Happiest when I’m hanging out with Kay** and just talking art and anime at Sum*** Moo*.”