From rambling

i sat in front of him at the show

I didn’t want to see him but he was there and everyone was dying – she was dying and I couldn’t do anything about it i wanted to get her away from me but that made her angry but her face was wallpaper sanded and her skin hung as it clung to what was left of her bones i hadn’t seen her in years but now my job to take care of her to be there for her but i didn’t even really remember her name but the face remembered her face the what it was before face i didn’t know the new face and he was going to be there too and i didn’t want to go but i did i just wanted to figure out where it went wrong where it went wrong and the world coming in and going and going and trying to hold on floating through scenes and decrepitated houses with mold and old wood beyond redemption houses white people love to save until it cost them money and as long as they don’t have to live in them live in them like that with the empty rooms and decrepit wood and the killer in the halls and doors not locking and wondering why he’s coming for me but knowing that he is and that i have to save her even though i don’t want to don’t like her but love her not that don’t like her a scared to death of her because she’s terrifying with her skin in bags her bones ready to be free to move on to leave without her and her eyeballs peering out in terror of the leaving of what she knows is yet to come
but i sat in front of him floated by him hoped and yet hoped he would yet wouldn’t see me because want to be seen but don’t know how to react how to respond how to reach out where we went wrong because because because he’s been gone now for a while never gave him my new number because i had to get a new number or i didn’t but i did had to get rid of him not him the one in front of me but the other him the one with the octo arms grabbing back and now searching for me so sporadically and yet consistent the emails and emails the emails why doesn’t block work on him how much money does one need to stalk someone who doesn’t want to be seen seen by him and the knowing that he is looking and looking and looking
i don’t remember the show at all a lot of lights floating on the stage some kind of game some kind of highschool thing or something old something supposed to enjoy supposed to enjoy but not feeling it and wonder if i’m the only one who doesn’t get it so just sit there in a giant magenta hat hiding from him in a world of black and white and mostly magenta accents and bright yellow lights
i thought it was fine that i’d gotten by away unseen and it was sad because so aware of him of his presence behind me they want me in the room they’re coming for my life for my eggs to make babies with three because she’s old and she’s withered but the one i need the one who i thought could save me won’t come she just looks at me from his arms and grimaces and they dance as they float into the hurricane air the air of the storm building or built or over but she’s always there looking on at me from above judging judging judging
there’s a fence a tall fence a fence around a field that not supposed to go into but have to have to jump float between the houses from houses from houses until i get to the decrepit house where i’m late for that i’m supposed to be at now but can’t seem to get things moving forward can’t do anything more than try to float to jump float kick into the right direction and not backwards though the wind pulls it pulls and the leaves are tangling in my face
and he calls to me he calls to me should i pretend to not remember his name? i’m half way in the fence and half way out and he’s aduacity he’s sent the two women on ahead the women i don’t know but assume are his they must be his this is denial talking okay fine they were his women there at the show with him one on each arm one with a hat like mine but older both older than me i look like the little kid the naive little child that i am with him he’s got those sad eyes but when he smiles he smiles last saw him in an instagram pic not his he’s not on social media of course he’s not on social media he’s too cool but not not above it or below it just operating in a different zone and different level neither higher or lower and frustrating level for kids for the kid i am compared to him i’m a kid just a silly little kid who who somewhere hidden liked him denial again denail again and again i liked him i thought there were there with him the potential of we but he didn’t see or he did
why did he never text me back?
i still don’t know was i too high or was no is he too old too old to try again for the we with a baby i understand i want to think but denial i don’t and now he’s calling i don’t go to him i just look around and pretend not to see him searching for ‘someone’ who called my name i know his voice i know it’s him but i don’t want to look at him immediately don’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing how much i hang on hang on to him to his every word to his every moment every moment he’s been gone but not he’s been there still been there all along just me i’m the one who left stopped showing up stopped going to see him got shy got ashamed
why didn’t he text me back?
he’s asking what happened after i finally look at but not right at him he’s wearing a magenta top with jeans and a sports coat like the kind linus wants to make eventually
i don’t want to don’t want to write this moment don’t want to remember the moment the heart skip the wonder why the floor hurts so bad on my hips my shoulder collapsing under me don’t want to see him to acknowledge the power denial the hurt the hurt he caused and is causing me a frist friend a frist chance but he but he
why didn’t he text me?
text me back… something the shirt is silly it’s blatent and sexy in a female way it’s the top of the dress Porsha Williams wore with Phaedra in the vacation it shows that undeniable that the women were with him and he not with me not on his mind doesn’t i know
i know
why he didn’t text me.
the rebuttal to his hey hey are you pretending not to remember me? the rebuttle
why did you never text me?
text me back just left me hanging and hanging and now have a new number a new track but don’t want it but do because need it it’s necessary and yet what would he say sa
“You talked about Tom too much.”
so you see? it’s him. him until the end until the waking the murder the slaughter the men the men he says talked talking but what about the jokes remembered in the morning and the weed his weed we smoked
denial the potential why because he’s old? no because i’m a child.

dedicated to Jason. I miss you. and Yes. I still remember your name, your face, and your accents. Maybe someday we’ll see if there’s more.
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How Alone They Are

i wanna run until my body withers away

until the ache in my soul goes away

until the pain in my somache is gone

until the muscel spasms stop

until my heart ceases to be

until i’m no longer me

they don’t tell you this, but sometimes all you can do is run. it’s not an act of shame yes it is a loss of control but it’s a loss of something greater the loss of believing that those around you will understand and accept you for who and where you are.

when you’ve done all you can do. to try and love them. to love them. to be there to be what they want to answer their “try me’s” when you say they won’t understand after staring blankly at them and their lies of ‘i understand’ followed by their own life story that has nothing to do with you and who you are and what you’re going through

that’s when you gotta run. it’s not a running away. it’s a getting to a physical space of what you know to spiritually be true. that you are alone and no one sees you. no one can help. and really, they don’t want to. don’t want you. want *you*

she’s not crazy

she’s just the only one who truly knows

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how alone they are

Stomach Explodes

There’s plenty of cinnamon in the role. when you love them and they don’t love you back… roll. Don’t stick around for them to realize you’re the one. They’re not going to realize that because -to them- you’re not. Sure, I never told them how I felt – but they told everyone how they felt about me. That they weren’t interested and pointed out all my deficiencies.
And now I roll.
The pain won’t end. It builds in my stomach and explodes. But that’s okay. Because I’m on my own. And they’ll find happiness on their own.
They don’t need me as friend or lover. I know. That’s what I love about them …. their strength their beauty even though they don’t see it… but I can never be the one to make them see it. no one can do that; only they can look down and realize their soul their heart shines brighter….

Credit and Thanks to Aston; Maker of the Cinnamon Rolls and tolerator of my #basic photos. 

Question, Man

I glance back at the sound of footsteps. There’s a man approaching rapidly from behind me. I just got off the bus, and I’m assuming he did too.
“Hey where’s your accent from.” Dear Lord he’s daned to talk to me. As they say in the office – he’s being straightforward to – but his dick is definitely sideways in his pants because … well room… and “Texas” “Oh man. Are you going home to your boyfriend?” “Yes.” “A, that makes sense I bet you’ve got two boyfriends.” “nope.” “Do you drink?” “I’m more of a smoker.” “Oh that’s nice. Have you got weed on you now?” narrows eyes 7/11 approaching up ahead… he turns off. “Well if your boyfriend every messes up I’ve got a name and a number.” i’m sure you do “I’ve never done a texas girl before” #goals.

“You know what makes it so hard? That you’re so pretty Monkey. If you weren’t so pretty this would be a lot easier.”
After every what is supposed to be a one night stand then a leave me alone… this is why sex isn’t worth it… they always want more… always want to commit. like fuck off buddy.
“Okay, what I’m hearing is that you just were horny and that’s why you had sex with me. Is that right?” “Yep.” “So you’re a lier. Everything you said about how you like being with me and want to be with me forever when we were wasted and fucking on the couch is a lie?”
am I the only one who sees the gap in the logic here?

I’m ‘reading’ I am Legend right now… or I’m carrying it around with me and trying to be motivated to read it… but it really annoys me that there are literally no female characters except for the female vampires that he completely sexualizes and experiments on. like fuck this man.

Helaughsatmywar

I am at war. A greater war then the one within myself wages all around me. I go into the kitchen, I walk to the sink, I turn on the sink, and the war rages around me. The struggle of keeping food down when flies are swarming around the room at a dizzying rate – I watch two of them fucking on the fruit fly trap – ON not IN – just casually fucking on top of it – a literal ‘fuck you’ from the fruit flies – and that’s why I know this is war.
>they’re breeding but I am one – a one-woman insane hand clapper against the mob – I jump around clapping my hands at them desperate to catch them in between – nothing but complete annihilation will satisfy me.
>He’s laughing at me again. I know he is. “Is this what it means to support yourself as a woman?” Saying goodbye to him was the best decision I made – best choice I made last year… now if only to get rid of the flies… the mold will have to wait.

really though… what am I going to do with the above quote? Nothing… just take up space… basically life right there… nothing… just take up space. I take up space, therefore I am. trying to take up less and less…

 

 

forwalkingaway

Bootsweremadeforwalkinganywayyouseeandoneofthesedaysnotgoingtoletyourbootswalkalloverme

/* I got up and left. I quit. Sent him my polite little resignation and excused myself. Thanked him for the opportunity and as I walked out; flames. */

She was wearing a white dress. Behind her they stare watching, or at least she pretends they do, she’s not turning back to check, not turning back at all. She throws the forms in the recycling ben, won’t be needing those anymore, won’t be getting no special health plan, how much health coverage covers standing up for yourself? Not much. Suck a dick dipshits. That’s what they said but in the singular and not with such ‘vulgar’ language. You see now I’m just going to buy you somethings and touch you in ways that make you feel uncomfortable. But just suck it down and put up with a brave smile – we’re paying you to smile after all
WELL NOT ENOUGH SHIT HEADS! EAT IT!
So with fingers blazing like the now iconic pocket cat, she storms on a silent wave across the wires severs connecting messages sending.
Won’t be seeing her around no more.

Cuz boots were made.

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#SaDDS

The thing about Jellyfish is they’re awesome. Found the little buddy below on Etsy. And Princess Jellyfish anyone?

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like great and don’t look all whistful
this is normal – he doesn’t want to get in my pants and why on earth am I being so sensitive and accusing him of only trying to get in my ‘Glory Hole’? – nope, no big deal he bought me a really nice gift and escorts me out the door and tells me his life story and his secrets… no, he just wants to be good ‘friends’ … cuz this is beyond manager at this point… debated waiting to tell me either today or tomorrow that he could be leaving… ‘because tomorrow is a better day.” (it was) christmas … not going to get a better day.. or worse… to share someitng ‘sad’ … sure he just wants to be friends… even though he says ‘I don’t have any reason to stay here. nothing tying me here’ sure it’s all in my mind… being vain and thinking that implying that I could be enough of a reason for him to make a tie with?! sure sure sure all in my head… just super angry…
for no reason…
i’m sure… sureeee… sureeeeeee

BUT IT’S ALL FINE!

“SUCK A DICK DUMB SHITS!”

suckadick122817

name: CherryCoconutSoup

her name is Cherry Coconut Soup. Nope; all one word like; CherryCoconutSoup. She goes by Coconut because it is less weird than Cherry in that she got tired of putting up with all the pop-your-cherry jokes; because she is beautiful at least in the conventional sense which she finds boring to no end; sure she’s got long blonde hair that on normal days behaves in a way that guys seem to want to touch and her legs are as they say ‘endless’ in the sense that she’s 5’9″ and leggy; sure the sons of concord or whatever those weirdo’s names are wrote a song that might as well be about her ‘leggy leggy leggy blondeee’ but she hates that song and only brings it up with the douche bags who like to point out ‘dude, and you’re legs, like i hadn’t noticed before but they’re endless.’ it’s so cliché it pains her who gives a damn about what’s in her mind as long as she keeps smiling; because smiling is her job she makes smiling her favorite because work is her favorite and work is smiling that’s what pays the bills frowning brings down the hammer and no one likes a debbie downer; really you look at yourself and think about it; do you like seeing a frown? or would you rather click your heels and remember to TurnThatFrownUpsideDown and common’ girl break it down! She dances sometimes but mostly she just gets angry at all the men that shove and push to grind on her like no-I-dont-actually-enjoy-the-feel-of-you-r-errect-penis-shoving-agaist-my-soft-skirt-through-your-rough-as-fuck-jeans and yes I do actually prefer grinding with my girls even though they are not the lesbians they’re telling you they are watch as one of them makes out with the guy at the bar ‘what you doing making out with my girl?!’ naw admit it… everyone prefers the girl who smiles.
not the one who thinks.