There’s a castle out there/ somewhere/ where I met my dreams/ the floors are floating/ never the same/ and the people maligning/ but beautiful/ with smiles that lead on/ and words that make mistakes/ people from my past/ people I’m yet to see/ all floating there together/ in different spaces/ all in one/ castle/ where I meet my dreams
Life is hard and I feel like quitting most of the time. If adulting was hard before it’s impossible now. Descending into the madness of my mind. Of not being in my body. But existing in it somehow still.
I’ve turned negative/ something inside me has gone cold/ I’m being broken/ slow, slow fast/ a crushing that makes me lie down and cry/ rest the laurels I thought I had/ on a mat of stone/
Jesse: Lol maddy you’ve been high since you moved to Portland.
I’ve needed to be. No one tells you what it’s like because no one you meet knows what it’s like to move to a new town on a whim not knowing a soul there and having never been there before. I mean I could tell you if you met me along the way in making this or any life decision and our paths cross – but in general, at least in my case, there wasn’t anyone around who had ever done it or even heard of anyone doing it to ask. That’s fine. That’s how I met Mary Jane when I moved her and I’ve been one her and with her 24/7 since. She’s the best friend I have here.
We meet at summermoon on the day of the womens protest and I was protesting by wearing a dress and being as girly as I could be while not going to the march because marches in texas- or really just marches in general – don’t appeal to me. Tumtum hum de hum yes I’m a snob and have been accused of being a hipster to boot. Yes. I have a beanie collection got a problem with that? huh? Huh? Do ya?
He was hitting on me – that’s ultimately how we meet – like any good male and female relationship it inevitably begins with one hitting on another – or maybe he wasn’t hitting on me – Jesse I’ve never asked … were you hitting on me? – okay I don’t really care but still… I’m pretty darn tootin sure he was hitting on me… after all he asked for my number gave me his and texted to come hang out that night. Woooooo all the Christian mom’s are quaking in their boots now… what did the good little girl do? Ignore him. That’s what I did. I didn’t feel like hanging out that night as is normal for someone with my condition I just wanted to be alone.
I’ll let you figure out what the condition is… under one condition… hahahaaa…. Don’t judge me harsher than you’d judge yourself. 😉
My room now is a purble milk color with purple accents on the areas that didn’t get milked. Like a purple cow milk of course. I mean obviously.
I miss my old life sometimes. Moving has been nothing but one big harassment literally unfortunate as that is. It really shows that there’s nothing like a change of scenery to make you realize just what a Butt life is. I want to say “sometimes” but no. Life is a Butt. I like butts but Jeeeezzzzzzzuuuussssss.
Morty is life. I’ll let you figure out the rest.
Last night I saw you in my dreams a boy from yesterday now with me. I didn’t see your face at first just your golden skin and your hands your hands ready to make love make me sing set me on fire and accept my fire my passion my bawling tears from you that come when I come when I come when you ask me too when you push me and pull and tickle until it comes it all comes out those tears – that’s what your hands spoke of your skin your skin shinning from an inner sun radiating outward in the night of the moon sun reflection reflecting on thought you were gone for good that there was no one left thought I would never see you again and I’m crying and your telling me to stop but not in the stop stop kind of way but in the comforting holding kind of way the so close can’t see your face kind of way right away and then your just there and I know I will be and we will be forever for the rest of the time we have in the short time I won’t have to say goodbye again that we’ll go together and I don’t ever want you to go away again not for anything and I won’t ever go I won’t ever be alone and kicking myself and wondering why why it went went away the road calling my name a sin a curse the road not now not again it doesn’t matter shh shh shh it’s over but it’s not but the not being not being in your arms is over awaken in the night dry salt water and eyes that sting. Last night, I saw you in a dream.
Men are such funny creatures and no I don’t mean men like mankind… I mean men like men like the being of Mankind specifically designated by the protrusion of their reproductive organs that include a little sack of skin that houses their supply of genetic send offs which the said sack is protruding from the body in order to keep it from over heating in the way that banana’s are left out of the refrigerator in order to keep them from turning brown but the opposite in terms of temperature, nevertheless it is not this fact about men that makes them funny creatures, however it cannot be said to not, not make them funny creatures and does in its own right add to their funniness.
It’s not possible, you’re the only one seeing it, that’s how it’s real to you because it’s not possible.
Amanda was, or is rather, a real Asexual. She gets it. The funniness and oddity that is Man. When the teacher read to us “The Phantom Tollbooth” with the kid who is only half a kid character, well at the end of the book when the teacher, Mrs. Randal, asked us to draw our favorite Character Amanda drew the half-kid and drew him as a half kid missing his legs, not the half down the middle like the kid in the book – Mrs. Randal’s hadn’t been showing us the pictures so that we were forced to imagine the characters on our own, so at the end of the book when she asked us to draw our favorite character – as we imagined them, Amanda decided to draw and thus produce the image of a boy missing his legs and mystically floating about, in the missing of his legs he was also naturally missing in other things – that of his reproductive organs; this was – is - an early sign of something Amanda was born into – the asexuality showing her colors. Amanda didn’t think the kid was funny; in fact to this day she’ll vouch that her drawing is a more accurate representation of the half kid from the book.
You were there all along/ in the corner of every song/ in the back of each mind state/ not even creeping/ just sitting there waiting/ for me to realize/ and now I do/ that what was wrong all along/ was what was wrong in the first place/ you.
When you realize it was your ocd that caused you to go insane because no one ever got you help for the ocd before it was way way way too late.
I don’t know why I changed my last name to Kameltoux, but I did. I don’t know why things turned out the way they did between us, but they did. Sure maybe it’s because they’ve now officially found out whats wrong with me by awarding me the disease that officially says ‘we don’t know what’s wrong with you’ aka bi-polar.
i miss you and i want you as i’m lying here longing for you/ she didn’t inspire this in me/ he didn’t leave a trace to remember/ there are ones who came before and you will come after / but come for me now/ i miss you and i want you/ and it’s burning me bad/ don’t leave me here waiting/ wondering where you are/ i don’t care i don’t care/ just as long as you let me/ come to you because you want me to/ i miss you and i want you/ and if you don’t say so now/ because the thoughts won’t stop/ and your lips are on mine