I arrived in Portland last night. It wasn’t really night though; it only looked like it and felt like it. I showed up in shorts because the one pair of sweatpants I own officially smell like a road trip. Trust me. I know. I’m wearing them again now because it’s freaking freezing here.
The guy, Allan, who opened the door, after I wandered the street a total loner looking for the Airbnb, and finally decided to try the one that I thought looked like the picture the most, in the dark of the night people will find her, a super tall dude opened the door a crack and glared down at me.
Thank you Portland for weed and making people paranoid of a small little woman like me.
He was determined that I might not be the new guest. “Show me the information of communicating with the host.” I pulled out my phone, shivering mind you because I’m in fucking shorts and just want to curl up and hide, “Here, here” I pulled up the Airbnb application and showed him the messaging with the host.
“Okay. Cool.” He finally let me in. Then just like that, it was cool. He completely ceased to think of me as some kind of imposter of the night. Woo life.
And when the ugliness comes it wipes away all that was good. In a torrent of once again not connecting on the exact same level. Sure you can connect deeply, but when push comes to shove, there’s always an imbalance of feelings and a fear compelling one and driving the other to run.
I’m a NEET. Not in Education Employed or Training.
Perhaps that is why I’m so hooked on MMO Junkie. True she’s thirty and I’m in my twenties, but it’s so relatable and adorable the way she lives the minimalist lifestyle and finds solace in an online word.
For starters, it inspired me to make a Gaia account. Now that I’m jobless and homeless why not spend time talking to strangers on an anime based community? Firstly though, I find the fish tank thing rather disappointing and I haven’t figured out how to meet cool people while sitting in trees and looking out over a cool landscape.
Yas, probably the ultimate solution would be to take up hardcore gaming like my old roommate. All those weird Dark Souls games, Dark Souls three, where the gameplay is supernatural fast and there’s that ridiculous extra boss lizard dragon thing right on the first level. So go with two, they tell me, two is more beautiful and easier to get lost in without going insane.
But all those games are shooting and killing stuff, which really doesn’t appeal to me. I was the little kid with computer games like Put Put, 102 Dalmatians, and Frogger. None of which require defeating enemies and all of which have fun colors. Also, I’m I the only one who played Zoombinis? And has anyone ever been successful in getting all the Zoombinis to the new land? I grew old, literally, before I was able to save them all.
Therefore, I’m on the lookout for a legit MMO game/site… I should probably keep shopping around. Oh did I mention though that I just quit my job and am homeless? Money is of the essence.
Ah; at least in the meantime, I can keep simulcasting. Thanks, Crunchyroll.
Little Broken Hearts….
Love is something rarely found and even when found, is it more than hormones firing and does it actually matter?
I’ve just started connecting with a man,…. but I’m getting ready to leave so that’s the struggle. This is why I hate the go the whole wide word song… because you don’t know when you’re going to ‘find somebody’ it’s not something you can actually just go around the world looking for. It’s something that just happens.
So much of religion seems to rely on the idea of a greater power connecting and guiding people to each other. But what if it’s just a combo of chance, and sometimes we get lucky and stumble upon something, something that’s real.
“Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
This quote has always haunted me and how much of life it actually applies to. People are always trying to ‘prove’ that something is true, that something is real, and in the process disprove that what you ‘feel’ is just in your head and heart. As if what you know and feel in your heart is less real, not just ‘well that’s your truth’ that’s demeaning bull shit. It’s not ‘just’ your truth or your reality. It’s real.
So when you find love, when you stumble into connection, looked for or otherwise, it’s real. You know it’s real because your heart tells you it is. The heart is not a liar and we cannot knowingly lie to ourselves, we say we were lying to ourselves when we’re unhappy with the results of our decisions, and then we blame those results on an untrue heart.
Anywoo, stop trying to analyze people and just enjoy it when it happens, if it does, you’ll know. And it will be real.
Everywhere I go I keep hearing Whole Wide World by Wreckless Eric. First of all what really annoys me about this song is that he says he’s going to go the whole wide world yet he focuses the entirety of his search in the Bahamas. There are girls in other places. And how does he know that she’ll have warm brown skin, like what about the girls with anemia and other skin tones? Just rude.
Also, it’s starting to creep me legit out that I keep hearing it everywhere. Like I get it, I’m going on a trip and I don’t know where I’ll end up but enough with the go the whole wide world just to find her BS! Like maybe I just want to do me and not look for a potential mate, the sole mate, at all times. Anyways. Song. F. Off.
I wasn’t really convinced of just what all this living out of my car and hitting the road as a homeless jobless person would entail… well in my case, it entails getting rid of a whole lot of towels. I mean boatloads. If the flood came, I could stop it with all my towels, take that Noah!!!
Ah well, what moving really entails and being a traveler really means is stripping your life down to what will fit in the back of your Subaru hatchback. And thank god it’s a hatchback because it’s going to be stuffed to the gills, and I’m really stripping down to the basics.
For example, I know only own one pillow. Yes that is correct, I do however have a squishy pillow that my best friend gave me in the ’00s as a birthday present. That thing has seen me through Jr. High, High School, and college. It’s probably disgusting, but I love it. So I have that and my sleeping pillow … and that’s it! The rest I’ve loaded up, all 5 of them and dumped at the Goodwill bin down the street.
So that and the towels. Boatloads of them. When I moved out at 19 my parents brought over boatloads of random stuff from their house and the grandparents’ house that they didn’t want anymore, mostly towels. I have a fine collection consisting of two large body bath towels, 7 medium body towels, three beach towels, 12 washcloths, seven hand towels, eight kitchen towels, and 15 rags/cleaning clothes. yes. If anything, those numbers are an underestimate.
I realized as I was taking them out of my Lenin closet, something I won’t have the luxury of doing in my car, that I remembered some of the towels from taking baths at the grandparent’s house as a kid… and one of them I recognized as my grandfather’s towel. Once I realized that getting rid of them became much easier. I could be alone on this, but the idea of using my grandfather’s shower towel makes me feel all weird.
I dedicate the below to Brandon. The quote is his.
It is always at the precipice of our greatest opportunities that we seem to feel the most anxiety. At least that’s how it is for me.
The moment of ending is usually simultaneously the moment of the most opportunity. For example, graduating from high school opens the most opportunities for what to do next. There are hundreds of universities to consider, community colleges, taking a year off, what to do in that year, going right into the workforce, what job you’ll go right into, getting married, you name it. It’s the first year as an adult and offers enough opportunity to make a head explode.
Now again, jobless and moving to a new city, I have a literal world of opportunities open before me, yet something in me trembles with fear. Of course, we’ve all heard that fear is ultimately just being uncomfortable with the unknown. Which explains the fear of looking for a new job, not so much not having a job, though that in itself is a new and strangely unknown sensation, but the feeling of not knowing what will happen next. Though ultimately, it is in the not knowing that life gets interesting.
I’m not sure where I’m going with this, but just felt a need to express it and continue thinking about all of this, where I am now, where I’m going, and being comfortable with the not knowing.
Da butt reverse. Alright, guys, you’re going to have to put up with this, or you my sole lone adorable reader, but my buddy sent this to me and it’s just too perfect. This gif, or giph, or whatever so perfectly sums up what making decisions in life is and should be. So basically what life is all about.
//s.imgur.com/min/embed.jsThe face, the look back and realize a critical mistake has been made and now they’re stuck… butttttt rather than remain in a state of stuckness, aka getting stuck in a moment staring at a wall, they decide to go into reverse.
It is neither a smooth or easy process, as is evident by the look of consternation and careful steps, buuuttttt -again!- they get out and go on they’re merry way like a total boss!
“You say, the price of my love is not a price that you’re willing to pay…”
This song has become my anthem and horror as a newly unemployed girl. My friends have been telling me that I need to not be so proud and go back and work for him again and just set up stronger boundaries. To not think of it as them winning, but as me doing what I need to do.
‘Cuz I’ll be back. Time will tell.
But I know the price for working for him. I know his negotiation chip. Sure, I can rejoin the team, if I’m intimate with him and let him know where I am at all times and talk with him about life and whatever else he might happen to need.
‘Forever and ever and ever.’
But I don’t believe that that’s what love, or even work, is or should be. Sure it was a good job that paid really well and I really liked my part on the team, but if I’m not there because of what I do, only because I’m a girl and am there to stroke him, no thank you.
Dear Lord, transitions in life are so uncomfortable and yet interesting.