How Alone They Are

i wanna run until my body withers away

until the ache in my soul goes away

until the pain in my somache is gone

until the muscel spasms stop

until my heart ceases to be

until i’m no longer me

they don’t tell you this, but sometimes all you can do is run. it’s not an act of shame yes it is a loss of control but it’s a loss of something greater the loss of believing that those around you will understand and accept you for who and where you are.

when you’ve done all you can do. to try and love them. to love them. to be there to be what they want to answer their “try me’s” when you say they won’t understand after staring blankly at them and their lies of ‘i understand’ followed by their own life story that has nothing to do with you and who you are and what you’re going through

that’s when you gotta run. it’s not a running away. it’s a getting to a physical space of what you know to spiritually be true. that you are alone and no one sees you. no one can help. and really, they don’t want to. don’t want you. want *you*

she’s not crazy

she’s just the only one who truly knows


how alone they are


Alone and Free

“if you want to leave… take good care… ”

There’s a difference between being free and just being alone. Both are choices, to a certain extent, but so often the two are confused.

To be free is to exist in a delusional state of complete control of choice and not have to answer to anyone be it by choice or otherwise. In other words, the state of absolute freedom is absolute aloneness.

Ramble: The concept and promotion of freedom is valued in our culture, but not so much in reality. Everyone’s all about telling people to go be strong and you do you and don’t make decisions for others and don’t let others hold you back. But no one stops to think that they themselves are choosing to stay in a state of somewhat dependence – aka a hindrance of freedom – in order to be happy and comfortable instead.

“Don’t miss out on something because of your gf/bf…” “There’s always another fish in the sea.”

Swimming around in a lonely circle bowl. Free to change direction and do whatever, but no one around to do it with. But hey. You’re free to die anytime you like. No wait, that’s against the law too.

Because ultimately, absolute freedom is not comfortable. It’s lonely.

“hope you have a lot of nice things to wear…”

Dexter: Thoughts on Aloneness S1:E5

A best friend of mine recently recommended the show Dexter to me. Like me, she shares a morbid sense of entertainment choices, we’re also both huge fans of My Favorite Murder Podcast, which if you don’t listen add it to your queue right now. Okay? Back to Dexter.

Dexter is extremely funny to me. I find myself laughing my face off when he thanks the couple for their love and dating advice before killing them – to the chagrin of my roommate who couldn’t hear what was happening and only saw the gore and me laughing. It’s dark, but it’s fascinating and funny in the way it presents an inside look at a lawfully evil serial killer.

Episode 5 of Season 1 really hit on something that is often over looked, and even in the episode itself is kind of overlooked and played up as normal. That is the idea that being alone is not normal and something that is rightfully shunned by society. Here’s what the show says about being alone and the need to be with another, especially in a romantic way.

Dexter: I’m not the monster he wants me to be. I’m Dexter. I like to pretend I’m alone, completely alone, maybe post-apocalypse or plague, whatever — no one left to act normal for, no need to hide who I really am. It would be freeing.

Dexter: Yeah, well, I don’t really care about girls. I just like being alone.
Harry: But most normal people don’t, and it’s important that you seem normal.
Dexter: Even though I’m not.
Harry: Because you’re not.

It frightening especially to those of us who are comfortable being alone, or not dating, or not in a relationship. The idea flits of the wondering if people who like being alone serial killers and not normal. Statistically speaking, single people are the minority, and of them people who like being single even less.

There’s even the ever persistent and classic fear of the man walking alone down the street. And the pity of the single woman walking alone and that she must need help. Dexter doesn’t cover the female side of aloneness, at least not as directly as the male side though perhaps there’s another posting about that to come. But Dexter is the epitome of the reason society cast such a negative light on the man alone. Because he could literally be a psycho killer in the privacy of his time alone. And of course Dexter is.

The laws of Harry dictate that being alone is not normal, and it is not in spite of but because of Dexter not being normal, liking being alone, that he has to fake emotions and happiness in being with another. That he has to work to have a relationship solely because he needs to blend in as a serial killer.

Dexter of course completely subscribes to the dictates of Harry and therefore makes it a part of his mission to not be alone. He has trouble with relationships though when the woman he is with realizes he doesn’t have another level – but with training, he is learning even to fake that. In a way, he decides to buy in, because of Harry, the social norm of not being alone, of not being single and always seeking out relationships.

While not every single person is a serial killer, and not everyone who likes being alone is an empty mental void lacking emotions, people who choose to be alone are certainly looked on an odd with the potential to be dangerous by society.