Her name is Lola. We meet in a Feminist Literature class at the University of Texas. I knew right from the start that she was a force to be reckoned with by her fiery presentation over her section of the book we were reading. That fierceness – that belief that she is 100% in the right – is what makes her the strong and powerful woman I once loved.

I was a blossoming lesbian looking for an outlet and figured there was no better way to meet girls then talking about Science Fiction Feminism books in a class at what is the most liberal and celebrated university in Texas, aka the University of Texas in Austin. I was wrong though in that the formatting of the class made it not only entry level but also in the same group as one of the required credits for all English and liberal art students. This meant that instead of being full of a bunch of raging lesbians, like I hoped, the class was full of a bunch of transfer Jocks who, like me, hadn’t gotten the first pick of the classes due to their newbie status at the University. Words cannot express my disappointment, but alas I’m fated to be a writer, by choice or otherwise, I haven’t decided, I’ll try. I was pissed. Livid and inflamed in my hatred of men that were even polluting what was supposed to be my safe space to rage against them.

And then there was Lola. All five-foot five-inches in a tank top and jean shorts hair pulled into a bun and raging against The Man and arguing anyone down who disagreed on her take on her passage. I found her intense and said so in the required anonymous review of her presentation. I was terrified of her so I didn’t make an effort to connect with her that semester, plus due to a large number of Jocks in the class, we never ended up sitting next to each other which would have presented a natural chance for introductions.

I did run into her though during finals week. I was heading back to my apartment in West Campus and she was heading for the bus back to her South Austin apartment that she shared with her sister. I didn’t know that at the time but pieces do have a way of coming together. But we were like, hey you’re in Dr. Becca’s class! You seem really cool! We should hang out! We never did but we did add each other on Facebook and I kept up with her life from a distance. What I remember most about that interaction with her though was there was this moment where our eye locked and I knew in my heart that I would be seeing her again, that she would return to my life in some way or fashion, that this was not the end of our relationship.

Three years later she walked into Moon Summer, which was at the time my favorite coffee shop haunt for writing and working remotely as a per-story journalist. For a split second, I couldn’t decide if I should call out to her. That split second would decide the rest of my summer and the rest of the next two years – because, of course, I called out. And she remembered me, which is always a wonderful feeling, an equal high to the opposite down of being forgotten. She came and sat by me and did her school work while I wrote and we caught up. We had so much in common, music, books, depression. That was the start of meeting up and hanging out at Moon Summer for the next month and messaging non-stop. Eventually, I hosted a party and invited her; she came and hung out and met my boyfriend at the time, Toby. Later, she told me that she thought he had bad hair and that I could do better. It was an adorable declaration that I couldn’t help but think about when I broke up with Toby a month later. Soon we were having girls nights and planning a vampire book that we were going to write together; her as a History Major and me as an English Major. It would be a great success and best of all we would actually do it.

She broke up with her boyfriend that she’d been dating off and on since high school; they broke up right before she went on an end of the semester university trip to Europe. Her decision was to get right back on the dating horse and date and hook up with as many and all the men she wanted; no shame all game; but – BUT – looking for love.

She fell in love with a man in Germany. I remember when she met him she messaged me that she’d met this amazingly hot and sexy German man who was going to pay for a hotel to hang out with her for two nights in Munich. His name is Joseph and she bought two beautiful LBDs for the time with him. They made love of course and she tells me he is the best that she’s ever had, she starts talking about moving to Germany and dating him seriously, he starts talking about coming to visit her in Texas. We’re not 100% clear on what he does. It sounds like he works for the German Air Force in some capacity and does a lot of traveling. The mystic of his job sounds amazing. But before all of this, before she left for Germany at a party I hosted for her going away, right before breaking up with Toby, she gave me a bris-a-bris before leaving, which is the French way of greeting and parting and I remember thinking: she told me she was bi when we first met. I didn’t tell her that I also considered myself bi because most girls who say they are bi aren’t really they’re just in it to sound hot to men. Nevertheless, because she said that I had hoped. And as we exchanged cheek kisses and hugged, her large chest pressing into my flat one, I remember knowing that I was falling in love with her and now that she was single, maybe there was a chance. Yes, I was still with Toby, and realizing these feeling for her played a part in splitting from him because it wasn’t fair to him the amount of time and energy I spent pouring into my relationship with this beautiful woman.

I kept hoping that she would hook up with some women in Europe during her fling time to reassure me that she was actually into girls and not just messing around with the term bi because of the concept of a threesome that all men hear when a woman says she’s bi. Because bi sounds super hot to all men. It just does, to them it symbolizes possibilities for endless kinky shenanigans, and nothing to do with the fact that the woman might not actually want to date them but date women instead, because most the time, when a woman tells a man, or tells anyone, that she’s bi it’s just a way of getting attention, of being hip, of having something else about them that men, who will stick it in anything that moves anyways, will find attractive. I really hoped that wasn’t the case with Lola.

I was okay with the Joseph thing and in fact excited for her. Good for her to get out there and already be able to find someone else that she was in love with so soon after breaking up with her boyfriend. Gosh, I wish I could be that way. I hadn’t dated anyone since breaking with Toby, and, let’s be real though, was really just investing all of my emotional and relational time and energy into her. And now she was in love with a German man. A super hot Air Force German Man no less, which is basically the complete opposite of me. I knew though that I would have home team advantage and was still just waiting to see if she would actually look into dating women when she got back.

She never did.

When asked about it she would shrug it off as women are too hard to find and the lesbian community is impossible to break into. That given, yes it is, but it’s not impossible especially if you’re serious about dating other women.

I did the smart thing and hid my feelings from her. Though she must have known. She would let me kiss her and snuggle with her without ever letting on that she knew that I was in love with her. We would tell each other that we loved each other whenever we parted ways. She would hold my hand and snuggle with me right before going on a date with yet another man because when she got back to Austin she started dating men left and right while still trying to maintain a relationship with Joseph who was making it impossibly hard by his lack of communications. The man would go weeks without texting her and then would hit her up and send her into a tailspin. Of course, they weren’t boyfriend and girlfriend as that would be beyond silly and basically impossible over the distance that they were apart, but they enjoyed an on and off again sexting relationship. She was still very smitten with him and the more time that passed the more enamored she became and the less real he seemed. We began to make up stories that he was a German Spy and that was why he would go weeks without texting her. She and I began to make plans to move to Germany once our lease, she had moved in with me during the summer, was up in October.

She’d started looking up jobs in Germany and we started telling people that we were moving together to Germany at the end of October. And then Joseph officially broke things off with her and she met Rocky.

When she broke off our Germany plans I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do. I knew that I didn’t want to stay in Austin as I had always said that I wouldn’t stay there long after graduating from University. It had been over six months since I graduated in the winter of 2016 and it was time to move on. I figured with the end of my lease coming up now was as good as a time as there ever would be to move on. I began researching places and telling Lola, and hoping that she would, she could and should come with me. She wasn’t interested.

Lola has a type, and it’s definitely not girls, she loves military men who are ripped like Dean Winchester from Supernatural. Dean from Supernatural is an actual representation of what her type is and because she’s beyond gorgeous she has no problem getting this type and in fact, this type seems to be drawn to her like country boys to trucks.

Rocky was a military reserve man training to be a Texas Ranger she met on Tinder. For the weekend he was coming to town to see her she was featuring one of her pictures from Europe in an art exhibit put on by her friend Ann. At the time she’d just moved in with me and rather then bring her own bed was sleeping on a cot, this made sense since I was planning on moving somewhere at the end of the lease and we wouldn’t be living together long enough for her to justify bringing her bed along, except she likes having sex on beds. The morning when she found out Rocky was coming she asked me if she could have sex in my bed. I was so shocked I said sure not even thinking. Of course, I would like her to have sex in my bed, but with me not with a dude. I went to the coffee shop to work in a state of agitation. I talked to my friends there and they agreed that it was outlandish for her to ask something like that and it would be okay, rather it would be good for our relationship, if I told her that I changed my mind and that her using my bed for sex made me uncomfortable, because it did, and well does. When I got home that night I waited for her to come back from her date with some other guy she’d met on Tinder. I told her we needed to talk. I proceeded to cry and squeak out that it was just too much for her to ask that. She apologized and said she hadn’t realized how uncomfortable it made me. I offered to sell her the bed if she wanted it because I was going to sell it soon anyways before I moved to God knows where Portland. She said it was fine and she would just figure something out and she promised they wouldn’t have sex on my bed. I was relieved but also disturbed that she had asked.

When Rocky came he was well Rocky. A huge ass man with chest tattoos that Ann and I still laugh about because not only were they lame, but they were crooked. Rocky in Lola’s eyes couldn’t be hotter. She was complete in her takenness with him and they made a stunning pair. The two of them trying to outdo the other in impressing each other and proving that they were a worthy mate to the other. I came home from the coffee shop, after giving them the privacy to fuck, not on my bed. Rocky immediately told me that they’d had sex on my bed. I paled and then he just laughed and said that he was just kidding. Lola had to reassure me that they hadn’t had sex on my bed, Don’t worry we didn’t, he’s kidding with you, take a joke. Oh Okay.

We went to the art show and that was the first time I met Ann. She said she’d heard a lot about me from Lola and was glad to finally meet me. I agreed and we exchanged a hug. I hid my backpack under the table before going out to mingle with the other artist. Lola had driven Rock and me to the show and on the drive up he asked if I wanted to touch his abs. I wasn’t sure I wanted to, but at the same time why the hell not. I just felt them through his shirt and it was like six solid giant stones in a river; terrifying. There were some nerdier guys, aka more my speed and type, at the show and they were super cool and I had a fun time talking with them, but it made Lola annoyed that all the men weren’t paying attention to her and her terrifying man whore. Okay, that’s not nice but to put it mildly, I was jealous and hated Rocky right from the get-go.

Ann was hosting a party after the show but I didn’t want to go, I’d had enough of Rocky and the whole scene and asked them to drop me back off at the apartment. Lola of course agreed, plus she wanted to freshen her look for the party.

Rocky didn’t get why I didn’t want to go to the party; I kept explaining that I was going to go to the coffee shop to hang out with my fellow introvert friends. At one point I just flopped down on my bed and said nope I’m tired. Lola didn’t care either way if I came, she knew that I wasn’t a huge partier. As I was lying on the bed Rocky grabbed my ankle and pulled me off the bed and on to the floor and began dragging me out of the room. He wouldn’t of stopped except for Lola laughing and telling him to put me down. I was glad to spend the evening with my coffee friends talking about anime and whatever other nerdy things we were into at the time, probably games.

I slept with earplugs that night and apparently when they got back from the party they fucked three times in the living room before falling asleep in each other’s arms. When asked about it, Lola said she hadn’t had better sex since Joseph. That was good. I could appreciate Rocky for helping her get over the German Spy.

Rocky lived up in Armadillo, excuse me, Amarillo Texas. Lola began making plans to move up there to be with him. And then one day not long after that she came bursting into the Moon Summer in a tizzy. He’s married. WHAT? Wait, what? He’s married. She stalked him on facebook and he’s married. When she asked him about it he said yes he was but that he was in an open marriage. She then left and ran three miles to the outskirts of downtown before calling me and asking me to come pick her up. I did.

After Rocky, I decided to come out to her. She was perplexed by my lack of interest in dating, but she didn’t seem to mind the lack of competition and the time it left me to learn all her stable by heart, almost better than her sometimes as I would remind her of points about a particular date often. I came out to her in a rain of tears showing her that I’d downloaded a lesbian dating app and was messaging a few women, that of course never went anywhere because my heart for the time was Lola’s. She seemed cool with it but surprised. And didn’t bother mentioning about being bi-sexual as a term of relating because of course by this point it was clear she was not interested in dating men.

After that she began introducing me as the friend she wished had a penis, because wouldn’t we be the perfect couple? She asked me if I could imagine how great it would be for her to find someone like me but male. I said I couldn’t imagine finding someone else like her in a mate. She laughed at my depressing logic. Then kissed me goodbye and went on a date with a guy off Tinder.


Dear Shawn,

I don’t know why I changed my last name to Kameltoux, but I did. I don’t know why things turned out the way they did between us, but they did. Sure maybe it’s because they’ve now officially found out whats wrong with me by awarding me the disease that officially says ‘we don’t know what’s wrong with you’ aka bi-polar.

with Love,

Piper Kameltoux


Jen***** 8.24.17 Thursday
– ideal situation in 1, 3, 5 years.
– variety of food and body positive on Pinterest and Insta
-What was most traumatic part of being w/ Br*****? -seems like really rough sex – especially since he was your first – would be traumatic…
She noted down about how even at a young age I didn’t want to have kids or get married.
“The pressure to not waste your 20s coming from outside yourself really women feel pressure if they are wanting to have kids to figure it out before 30… but since that is not something you want – not a factor or cap for you.”
I’m free
She talked bout the societal conveyor belt – starting even in elementary – you have to do this and want this – all the way through college then get a job then marry and then have kids.. people find themselves married and with kids and don’t ecen think to look for somewhere else –
Aug 25, 2017 Fri. 15:26 SM Jen******
– I told her about liking the idea of snow-birding – she said growing up in Florida she is well familiar with the concept – how I miss hiking but just too hot and miserable – and sun – that’s right you’re a vampire.
-how it just sounds nice to go on a hike everyday in nice weather – like nana in OR – take pictures , listen to podcasts, and write – thinking about extending lease and then moving to Denver for next summer~
-go back and forth between Austin and somewhere in the north each summer
-She talked about how there is all this pressure and ideas about what you’re supposed to do with your life/20s… how if you do this and this and this – marriage, travel, kids – you’ll be happy – people just do those things… she said that it sounded like I had a pretty good idea of an ideal plan for the next five years – that it’s something can keep working on
“I mean what else are you going to do?”
“I don’t know. Live manically – spend lots of money and party. but that doesn’t uncomfortable to me.”
“Happiest when I’m hanging out with Kay** and just talking art and anime at Sum*** Moo*.”