i wanna run until my body withers away
until the ache in my soul goes away
until the pain in my somache is gone
until the muscel spasms stop
until my heart ceases to be
until i’m no longer me
they don’t tell you this, but sometimes all you can do is run. it’s not an act of shame yes it is a loss of control but it’s a loss of something greater the loss of believing that those around you will understand and accept you for who and where you are.
when you’ve done all you can do. to try and love them. to love them. to be there to be what they want to answer their “try me’s” when you say they won’t understand after staring blankly at them and their lies of ‘i understand’ followed by their own life story that has nothing to do with you and who you are and what you’re going through
that’s when you gotta run. it’s not a running away. it’s a getting to a physical space of what you know to spiritually be true. that you are alone and no one sees you. no one can help. and really, they don’t want to. don’t want you. want *you*
she’s not crazy
she’s just the only one who truly knows
how alone they are
Molly just got a new job. The barista job was part-time and she was also looking to do something in hotels since the hospitality industry had always interested her, not by choice unless the drive of money counts as a choice. And – to be frank – she’d just read the Shining, yes children it was a book first, the Shining and was hoping to have her own Portland version of the experience. Minus Johnny of course.
Molly’s manager has asked her out not once but three times. She’s only been to work three times.
The first time was to help her move, since with Shelby her cat, she’s having a bit of a hard time finding a place to settle. That seemed harmless enough so she almost said sure, she didn’t have a lot of stuff to move and it would be nice to have an extra hand with the futon. But then she declined. Well, not declined just described her complete lack of possessions and the lack of there being anything to move.
He’s cool though. He likes the same shows she does and gets all her obscure Arrested Development and Archer references. Today, he offered to take her to an arcade downtown. She said she had work to do. He said, “Okay, go do your work, do whatever it is you need to do, then let me know if you want to go. I’m telling you. It’s my treat.”
The debate goes something like this in her head:
“My treat means a date right? He’s not asking the other people to come hang out, but then again there aren’t a lot of people working at the same time we are. Maybe he does this with all the new employees to get comfortable with them and get to know them as a human and not just a work partner. He is really nice. He’s also started to tell me about his family history. Maybe it was a mistake asking to see pictures of his halloween costume and talking about colaborating for cosplay. Maybe he thinks i’m hitting on him – but i’m not. Just new to town. Maybe he knows that and thinks the same and just wants to be friends. Jason at the café says he believes in men and women friendships. But don’t most guys just be nice with the hopes of getting in my pants? that’s what the last guy told me. That’s what my last boss did to me. Mee too. Sure sure sure sure sure. Just say no. Power walk back to your car and drive a stoney face home. Only cry for Tom Petty. Because it’s too soon. It’s always too soon.
AND HOW DO PEOPLE NOT KNOW I’M A LESBIAN?! I FEEL LIKE I EXUDE IT!